Ninja Commandments

So here it is guys, the first review of truly one of the WORST films I’ve come across in a long time: Ninja Commandments. It is quite simply a masterpiece of shoddy editing, subpar acting and horrifically unrealistic martial arts.

Where on earth do I even begin? Well, the entire film is available on YouTube, which is never a good sign if we’re honest. There’s virtually NO build up as we encounter some of the heroes of the film who appear to live in a strange, poster-paint coloured ‘ninja’ world (I use the word ninja with ill ease here!). The stiltedness of the acting just makes this movie simply magical; one cannot take it seriously. Our protagonists Gordon, Stuart and the others (truly great ninja names here) are discussing how two of their members, Janet and Rodney have had to leave their…… well I’m not sure what to call it really, it seems to be a cult if I’m honest. Apparently, Ninjas Gordon, Ninja Stuart et al. seem to have kicked the two unfortunates out of their special club because they had sex before marriage. Because of course this would be an issue for a ninja, I presume? Might be hard to focus with all that sexy stuff going on? But anyway…

I kid you not, that is the one and ONLY time Rodney and Janet are mentioned by the Ninjas in the ENTIRE film!

While watching it, we speculated whether it was in fact two films badly stitched together to form a quasi-Frankensteinesque feature length film. I have looked into it, and apparently we weren’t wrong. Originally, it was a Taiwanese film called, “Ma! Don’t Die On My Back!” and some bright spark decided that what this film really needed was brightly coloured ninjas with the word ‘Ninja’ written in very large letters on their heads. Subtle.

The film is interspersed with scenes of Rodney and Janet, in where I presume is either China or Taiwan, navigating their way through pregnancy, arrest, house fires and ungrateful children, whilst reflecting on the ‘commandments’ they received while at the ninja cult in order to help them through difficult times. Meanwhile, Ninja Gordon gets angry as the master ninja of the cult has been murdered, so in revenge decides to go on a massive killing spree to avenge him (sparing one woman because she couldn’t possibly have known what she was doing).

There are some incredible highlights of the film. At about 40 minutes into the film, Ninja Gordon get into the most hilarious fight with an easyjet-orange coloured ninja, during which the tangoed counterpart backflips off a wall three times, whilst a sound which sounds either like ripping cheese cloth or a massive bout of flatulence is played as the soundtrack. Truly wonderful stuff!

Of course, the Taiwanese part of the film is dubbed, very unconvincingly I must add. But what is even better is the English part of the film is also dubbed over, very unconvincingly. There are some hilarious accent discrepancies, such as when Rodney and Janet’s son suddenly develops a thick Australian accent.

It’s hard to write more without giving away the ending, but I honestly would recommend giving this movie a watch! Just don’t take it too seriously, and watch out for the farting ninja!